I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
