I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
