Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
