Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
