It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
