Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
