remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
