I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
