just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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