I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My liver just had a heart attack.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
