p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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