I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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