Can i not drive my cunt home
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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