I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
