Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
