I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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