Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
