I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
