Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
