She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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