You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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