im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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