Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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