dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
