I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You took a bar mat shot.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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