I just cut my nipple shaving
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
