1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
