i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I am spending my child support on dildos
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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