I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
