Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
My feet surprised me
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
