My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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