mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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