I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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