new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
