Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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