Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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