Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
