4 words: hood of his car
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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