All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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