I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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