I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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