Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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