DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
