TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
