also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
