i think i have two assholes
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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