'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
