girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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