I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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