I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
